“Don’t let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity…”
– Mae Jemison, first African American woman in space

Title:         What if..?

Genre:       Ten minute black comedy

Cast:          PROSERPINE & CERES/2F

Setting:     A desolate planet that no one has ever heard of

Time:        The future

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PROSERPINE           WHERE ARE YOU?  [takes deep gulps of air ] I can hardly breathe. [sees CERES approaching] Why are you walking like that?

CERES                         Lucky there’s oxygen. Not much but –

PROSERPINE             Oxygen? It’s not as if we’re in outer space. On a desolate planet that no one has ever heard of.

CERES                         There’s no one. No one at all.

PROSERPINE             But – my PA? My barista? That’s not to say I need them.

CERES                         I’m your PA.

PROSERPINE             Oh. What about my barista?

CERES                         You don’t need them.

PROSERPINE             Let’s go.*

CERES                         How many times – ?* Our lunar module broke down.

PROSERPINE            And no one is coming to
help us –

CERES                         Remember?

PROSERPINE             But I am the first woman to set foot on the moon. There’s no one –?

CERES                         It’s not that they don’t want to help us. They can’t. They can’t get here. They don’t know where here is. Do you know where here is? I DON’T KNOW WHERE HERE IS.

Pause

PROSERPINE             Look.

CERES                         The Earth.

PROSERPINE             It’s so – unearthly. Teensy weensy. What a funny shade of – what would you call that?

CERES                         Midnight blue.

PROSERPINE             Deathly blue. [admiring her pretend blue nail polish] Dark-defunct- dead-dagger-doomsday-blue. And the smell of ethyl acetate. [breathes in blissfully and then splutters] They love me down there. That’s not the earth.

CERES                          It is. It’s just a long way away.

PROSERPINE             My earth is filled with neutral buoyancy simulators, BA Hons in Communications fascinated with what I have to say, and guest spots on celebrity astronaut cooking shows. They love me down there. They love me. That can’t be the earth.

CERES                          It is. It’s just more three dimensional than we give it credit for.

PROSPERINE             My earth is full of fashion shoots with the latest in urethane coated-nylon, microdermabrasion facials and my forty million, eight hundred and seventy four thousand, seven hundred and seventeen followers on twitter which puts me way-ahead-of-Taylor-Swift-just. They love me down there. They do. They love me.

CERES                         So you keep telling me.

PROSERPINE             Or wherever the earth is – do I? – because I just can’t believe that’s the earth. Let’s go.*

CERES                         How many times –?*  There has been a breakdown in communication.

PROSERPINE             And no one is coming to
help us –

CERES                         Remember?

PROSERPINE             But I am the first woman to set foot on the moon. There’s no one -? I don’t know what you mean. I like it here. It’s calming. But I can see it getting on my nerves. And we do need to get to the Moon. So chop chop. [looks around] What if – ? What if there were aliens? [delighted] Look. So many of them. Do you think they recognise me? What if I stand like – [strikes a pose]? They seem uninterested.

CERES                         Smile. Not too much –

PROSERPINE             I’ve never met anyone not interested in me.

CERES                         – that’s good.

PROSERPINE             They know who I am, don’t they?

CERES                         Keep walking.

PROSERPINE             Like this?

CERES                         Look straight ahead and they won’t eat you.

PROSPERINE             Aren’t they vegetarians?

CERES                         Watch out for that one. Careful. And that one. It’s leering at you.

PROSERPINE             [to CERES] Why are you doing this? [to alien] Naughty boy. Girl. Thing.

CERES                         It can see into your soul.

PROSERPINE             What if there’s nothing there?

CERES                         Look at that one. NO! DON’T LOOK!

PROSERPINE             What if –? What if they don’t like me? What if they’ve beaten me to it? I must talk to them.

CERES                         Go ahead.

PROSERPINE             [to alien] Our lunar module broke down. [to another one] Do you un-der-stand? [to another] And I am to be the first woman to set foot on the moon so we really have to get going. [to another] We are – [to Ceres] Are we slowly running out of oxygen? [to alien] We are slowly running out of oxygen.

CERES                         [joins in] Are you familiar with orbital manoeuvring systems? [to another] Do you happen to have any monomethylhydrazine? [to herself] What am I doing?

PROSERPINE             Tell me again. Why are you walking like that?

CERES                         We’re in outer space. On a desolate planet that no one has ever heard of.

PROSERPINE             And no one is coming to help us. There’s no one – ?

CERES                         Being strong requires inhuman strength.

PROSERPINE             I am the first, aren’t I?

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* snippets from Waiting for Godot.

END OF EXCERPT